DEATH AT LIFE'S BEGINNING
CAREGIVERS TAUGHT HOW TO HELP FAMILIES GRIEVE WHEN INFANTS DIE
Published on Wednesday, September 10, 1997
Section: Scottsdale/Foothills Community Page: 6
© 1997 The Arizona Republic

Byline: By Barbara Yost, The Arizona Republic

Joanne Cacciatore was 20 minutes away from delivering her fourth child when doctors heard the fetal heartbeat suddenly stop.

For reasons that have never been explained, Cheyenne was stillborn.

Instead of joy, Cacciatore and her husband faced only grief as they held their baby for the first and last time.

But the couple made the most of those moments, studying Cheyenne's tiny features, dressing and undressing her, taking numerous photographs, making memories that will sustain them over the years.

Although they had three other children, and would give birth to another healthy baby two years later, Cheyenne meant no less to them for the short time they knew her.

To parents who lose children at birth or early in life, every lost child - even one miscarried - is mourned. Such grief is normal, Cacciatore says, and making memories will reward and comfort them.

Because health care workers can facilitate those memories, Cacciatore shares her experience through workshops designed for nurses, social workers, funeral home directors, paramedics and police officers.

In past generations, birth and death occurred at home, and family members gathered to support both, Cacciatore says.

But when childbirth moved into the hospital, technology seemed to intrude. Stillborn babies were whisked away from grieving parents. Talking about death was taboo. Some mothers are still grieving for the children they lost decades ago and were never allowed, or encouraged, to hold.

''It's getting better,'' Cacciatore says. Today's health care workers ''want to improve the quality of care, not just physical but emotional. . . . I'm grateful to hospitals who have training. We can lovingly educate.''

Her workshops are sponsored by the Arizona SIDS Alliance and MISS (Mothers in Sympathy and Support).

''Grief is hard work,'' Cacciatore tells her audience. ''It is physically exhausting. The pain is so bad you can't deal with it. The desire to die is a perfectly normal part of grief.''

Some grief may be eased by how bereaved parents are treated at the time of their child's death. Death should be confronted with compassion and honesty, she says.

Parents must be told what will happen to their child; that the skin and nails will begin to turn dark, skin will blister and slough, an odor may be detected. Washing the baby will help preserve the integrity of the skin and allow parents to enjoy more time with their child.

During that time, nurses should be vigilant, allowing parents private time but not ignoring them or leaving them alone for long periods.

They should encourage parents, grandparents and siblings to hold the baby, to take photographs, to make hand and foot prints. The baby's eyes can be opened. He or she should be named.

''Make that child who died tangible,'' Cacciatore says.

Far from being ghoulish, such loving interaction will comfort, she says. Surveys show that many parents wish they had had more contact and more time with children after death. None wish they'd had less.

Cacciatore also has some advice for those struggling with what to say to bereaved parents.

Don't:

-- Say, ''It's God's will'' or ''God needed an angel in heaven.'' Parents would rather have their children on Earth.

-- Say, ''You have other children'' or, ''You can have other children.'' Children are not interchangeable.

-- Say you understand how they feel unless you have been through the same experience.

-- Rush their grief, saying, ''You should be feeling better by now.''

-- Suggest the care given the child was inadequate. Parents already feel guilty.

Do:

-- Use the child's name in conversation.

-- Listen quietly and uncritically.

-- Say you are sorry. Admit your own helplessness and frustration.

-- Allow parents to talk about their feelings honestly and as much as they need to.

-- Give special attention to siblings.

-- Call or send a note on the anniversary of the child's death or birthday.

Because police officers are often the last people to interact with parents when a young child has died, Chandler detectives who attended the workshop believe they, too, benefit from Cacciatore's lessons in compassion.

''We're just there to help the parents understand what happened,'' Detective Phil Besse says.

When police are involved, it is often because an investigation is taking place.

''We want to do the job but still be sensitive to their needs,'' Detective Jim Peterson says.

''Sensitivity'' is what Cacciatore's workshops are all about, to see death and grief from the parents' perspective and to help them preserve the image of their child.

Her goal is to ensure that ''every bereaved parent has the opportunity to make all the memories they want.''

''It will give them beautiful memories they will have years later,'' she says.

FYI
Joanne Cacciatore's workshops are sponsored by the Arizona SIDS Alliance and Mothers in Sympathy and Support. Information: 979-1000.

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