Remembering the Lost Babies

Krista E Bjorn
Star Correspondent

Kim Lotz is now able to talk about her son, Tyler, without crying. She can look with a smile at his footprints, stroke a lock of his hair, and hold the tiny hat he wore when he was born. She can even look at a picture of him take after delivery.

But Kim will never hold Tyler again, never change his diaper, never wake up in the night to watch him sleep.

She will never do these things because Tyler wa stillborn three days after his due date because of complications with his umbilical cord.

The shock and sense of utter loss experienced by Kim and her husband, Theodore, were beyond description. Those feelings were only componded by the reactions of friends and family who didn't know how to comfort the grieving couple.

"People don't like to think that babies die," says Kim. "Babies do die. I found that after the first couple of months after Tyler's death that friends and family were extrememly uncomfortable talking about Tyler. I think (they) thought my pain would lessen if Tyler was just forgotten.

"I felt frustrated and alone because the most healing and comforting thing for me was to be able to talk about my son. It was a way of processing and coming to term with his loss."

The Lotz family is not alone in their tragedy.

Statistics show 26,800 babies are stillborn in the United States every year. California suffered 3,000 stillbirths last year. One in every 115 births is a stillbirth, and stillbirths outnumber the more widely known Sudden Infant Death Syndrome 10 to one.

After the death of her son, Kim heard of a program called Mothers In Sympathy and Support (MISS), founded by Joanne Cacciatore after her own daughter died 20 minutes before delivery for no apparent cause.

Through Mothers In Sympathy and Support, Kim found women who had suffered as she had suffered, who had endured the well-meaning but hurtful comments of friends and family, and who wanted to remember the children that had been taken from them so tragically.

"No family should have to endure the tragedy of their child's death alone," says Kim.

Kim remembers well the thoughtless comments she has heard as, "It's for the best," "It's God's will," "you're young, you can have more," "At leaster you have other children," and "Aren't you over it yet?"

"Those are some of the most hurtful and frequently used comments said to people who have lost a baby," says Kim. "I've heard them all."

When people ask what to say to grieving parents she tells them, "Just say 'I'm sorry.' It's better than saying nothing and it's better than a platitude."

Through Mothers In Sympathy and Support Kim learned how to work through her grief and pain and in turn how to help other mothers do the same.

Out of gratitude for the help and comfort they received through Mothers In Sympathy and Support, Kim and Theodore set up a web site to share their story and provide understanding and comfort to other families who had suffered similar losses.

The response was astounding. To date, nearly 15,000 people have visited the site and Kim has a binder filled to bursting with notes and e-mails written by grateful parents who have received the information and support they so desperately needed.

Kim went one step further in ministering to those who have lost babies. In June of this year, she launched the Merced Chapter of Mothers In Sympathy and Support.

"Merced MISS is here to provide emotional and informational support to families who have experienced the death of a baby from miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or neo-natal death," says Kim. "It's badly needed We arehere to help families cope with the overwhelming feelings of grief and loss."

The meetings are conducted once a month and are about one and a half hours long. They provide a safe forum for parents to share their stories and struggles with people who understand exactly what they're talking about.

"Women and fathers need a place to go where they can deal with their loss and not fear (hurtful) comments."

Although attendees are welcome to share, Kim says, "They don't have to share until they're comfortable doing so."

Kim and her associates have also been active in educating the community and medical personnel in how to be sensitive to the needs of greiving families after the death of a baby.

Hospitals across the nation now provide memory boxes to bereaved parents. Fabric-covered boxes tied with a ribbon hold photos of the baby, a card bearing the baby's tiny footprints, a lock of hair, the mother's and baby's hospital wrist bands, and the miniature garments worn by the child after birth.

They also provide time for parents to bathe and dress the baby and hold him close before saying goodbye. Mothers In Sympathy and Support recommends that parents take photos or video of this precious time with their child.

Since the death of Tyler, Kim and Theodore have had three more children. Their living room mantel bears photos and mementos of Tyler, and as the children become of age, they are told about their baby brother.

When the family eats out at Chevy's, 5-year-old Theodore releases his brightly colored baloon into the sky and says, "I'm sending it to Tyler, Mummy."

Mothers In Sympathy and Support meets the first Tuesday of every month at 7p.m. at St. Luke's Episcopal Church, 350 W. Yosemite Ave., Merced.

For more information, contact Kim Lotz at 725-9241 or visit the following websites: www.missfoundation.org or www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/2446.

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