| Are we ready?
Another baby. . .maybe
The decision to have another child is an enormous task for bereaved parents.
Some feel anxious and cannot wait to hold another baby in their arms. Others
feel they would become bitter toward a new child, subconsciously desiring the
child that died.
It is a personal and private decision, but one deserving much thought and
consideration. There are no text book rules on when it is all right to get
pregnant again. For some, several months will be acceptable. Others may not
feel ready for years. How do you know when the time is right for you and your
family? Here are some thought-provoking tips on subsequent
pregnancies:
- Is the grief of the death of your child still unbearable? Does it still
consume every moment of every day? If it does, it may be too soon for another
child. Grief exhausting work. It would be difficult to do your grief work
when so much energy is required during a subsequent pregnancy.
- Are you able to laugh and smile throughout your day, without feeling as
if you have betrayed the memory or love of your child?
- Are you able to attend baby showers? Can you walk through the baby aisle
in department stores? If not, you may not be ready for another baby in your
life. It will be a constant reminder of what should have been.
- Observe your reaction to other babies the same age/sex
as your child.
Tips to survive a subsequent pregnancy:
- Attend a subsequent pregnancy support group. No one will understand your
fears, your ambivalence and your anxiety more than other parents experiencing
the same issues.
- Choose a compassionate and understanding obstetrician and pediatrician.
Make sure they know about the death of your child so they will understand
your concerns. Be sure that they are willing to address your questions, offer
support and that they will be readily available should you need their assistance.
This can make all the difference in the world for surviving a subsequent
pregnancy.
- Create a birthing plan. Write down ways for your family and the hospital
staff to accommodate you and make you more comfortable. Consider bringing
a framed photograph of your deceased child to the hospital with you. Some
parents say it helped make them feel as if they included their child in the
birth of the new baby.
- After the birth of your child, do whatever you need to do for yourself
in order to ensure your peace of mind. Apnea monitors are available for extra
assurance. Some hospitals have apnea management programs and they are happy
to answer your questions about the monitors.
- Include a section in your new baby's birth book about your deceased baby.
Include photographs and information so that when he or she grows up, they
too will know their older sibling.
- Invest in a video baby monitor. Many parents report that this one product
saved them a great deal of worry and stress. Some video monitors are so sensitive
that you will be able to hear your baby breathing. You will also be able
to see your baby. This visual aid allows many parents to feel more comfortable
while their child is napping.
Surviving a subsequent pregnancy is no easy task. It can be filled with apathy,
ambivalence, excitement, and bittersweet emotions. One thing is certain; it will
be worth it! You will have another baby to love and cherish. And while your new
child will never replace your deceased child, he or she is a precious gift to
lavish with love and affection. Click
here to visit the Subsequent Pregnancy Bulletin Board
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Beginnings
A new baby is on the way.
Not just any baby.
It is your little brother or sister.
A part of you.
I am so afraid,
And excited
And angry
And sad.
Afraid of being hurt again
Excited that I will have another child,
to give my love to
Angry that you are gone
And sad,
Every moment wishing you were here with us.
All of these emotions
Sometimes make me feel crazy.
But I know I am not.
I am just a grieving mother
Missing
what should have been.
Dear Cheyenne © 1996 revised 1998 by Joanne Cacciatore
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