By Krista Bjorn
SUN-STAR CORRESPONDENT

Kim Lotz, far left, conducts a meeting of MISS on the grounds of St. Luke's Episcopal Church in Merced. The balloons, which were inscribed with messages to children, were later released. SUN-STAR PHOTO BY GEORGE MACDONALD

July 22, 2004

When Cameron and Melanie Clause lost their son Shane to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at the age of 31/2 months, they were devastated.

For many couples, tragedy can divide them irreparably. But with the help of Mothers In Sympathy and Support, the Clauses have persevered and are now able to reach out to others facing the same pain.

On a warm July evening, the couple joined several other parents in preparing 80 soft teddy bears in pale blue, pink and white. The bears will be given to Children's Hospital Central California in Madera, as well as area funeral homes. Each bear is tied with a MISS brochure and a kindness card bearing the name of each family's deceased child.

The bears aren't just good for the families who receive them, they're helpful for the ones making them, too.

"I'm here to help support my wife," said Cameron Clause as he tied a bow around a teddy bear's neck, "to be there for her and let her know that I'm there with her every step of the way."

Performing an act of kindness in the name of the children they have lost is one way MISS participants cope with their loss and preserve the memory of their children.

"I needed this so bad," said Leah Brown, who lost her son Cullen in May 2002. "I needed to meet people who understood how I felt and wouldn't judge me. It has really helped me through my grief. I'm a more compassionate person because of my loss and the growth I've had through MISS."

Other members agreed.

"I don't think I could have gone through what I went through without MISS," said Marisela Angel, who lost her son Alejandro two years ago. "It still hurts, but I find some relief in helping others, as well."

MISS is an international, volunteer-based organization committed to providing emergency peer support to families in crisis after the death of a baby or child.

"No family should have to endure the trauma of a child's death alone," said certified facilitator Kim Lotz, who lost her own son several years ago. "We are here to help families cope with the resultant feelings of overwhelming grief and loss, eventually empowering them to become volunteers and to give back by helping others."

MISS offers two monthly support groups. One is for those who have lost infants through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and neonatal death and the other is for those who have lost children through accidents, murders, illnesses or suicides.

"I think MISS is a really good group because there's really no other support group in the area that deals with child loss, nothing that's really geared toward infant loss," said Amy Vann, who lost her baby a couple of years ago.

The meetings are attended by families at varying stages of grief.

Some need to share their stories with those who truly understand, others want only to listen and learn from the experiences of others, and many attend the group even years after their children have died, simply to supply hope and encouragement to others.

"The group consists of other families who have walked this path before," said Lotz. "It is a safe haven to share feelings and emotions which you may not feel comfortable sharing elsewhere."

MISS also provides opportunities for grieving parents to reach out to others.

Over the past year, the Merced Chapter of MISS has sent out grief and sympathy packets to more than 35 families throughout California.

Members have painted, decorated and donated more than 25 memory boxes for families at area hospitals to use after the deaths of their babies, and have made and donated more than 80 baby blankets to area hospitals.

Group members also do "random acts of kindness" in their children's names, such as leaving extra-large tips, giving flowers to strangers or bringing gifts to convalescent homes.

"MISS is committed to the memory of the children who lived, who died and who continue -- even in death -- to matter," said Lotz.

One day, Brown said, she went through a McDonald's drive-through and paid the bill for the people in the car behind her.

"Sometimes it can be a real high when you do something sneaky and add a kindness card," she said with a smile. "That's going to make somebody really think when they go home and hug their child at night."

Those kinds of acts make the giver feel as good as the recipient.

"For me, it's an honor to give to somebody a little bit of what I would've given my son," said Angel.

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For more information...

The Merced Chapter of MISS for Infant Loss meets at 7 p.m. the first Tuesday of every month at St. Luke's Episcopal Church in Merced.

For more information about this and the support group for parents who have lost older children, contact Kim Lotz at 725-9241.