I want to begin telling you my story. In the early hours of the morning on November 2, 1974, my 3 ½ month old daughter woke up crying for her scheduled feeding. I went into the kitchen to heat her bottle. When I came back into the room, she had quit crying. I sat her bottle down because I thought she had gone back to sleep. I then changed her diaper (it was soaked) and picked her up. When I picked her up, her head and arms fell back and I thought, "she is just like dead weight, she must have fallen back into a really deep sleep." I proceeded to lay her on my left arm and cuddle her up. At 7:00 am, if was as if something hit me in the chest and said, "Wake up and look at her!" (This was two hours after she had woken up for her bottle.) I immediately awoke and did just that. Her lips were blue and purple, as was her skin. I screamed for my husband...he tried CPR...nothing. She was dead and I had slept with her dead on my arm for two hours. We didn't have a phone, so I had to compose myself enough to get clothes on and started knocking on apartment doors and screaming for help. After that, things are pretty much a blur for me even today, 25 years later. I do remember the medical professionals, law enforcement and family arriving. I watched a police officer and fireman break down and cry at the scene. Another officer asked me if I had murdered my daughter. I was 18 years old. My last memory was seeing a little hump covered with a white sheet, on what seemed to be a huge gurney, being wheeled out of my front door. I was never given the opportunity to hold her in my arms one last time.
Her name is Crystal "Sheyenne" Valentine. She was born July 16, 1974. My birthday is July 15th. She missed being "my little birthday girl" by just a few hours. We buried her on November 5th, 1974. She would have been 25 years old this past July had she not been a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The autopsy confirmed it was indeed SIDS. She was a live, healthy, beautiful and happy baby until that horrible morning when this mysterious killer took her life.
My husband and I separated a few months later and we were divorced exactly one year from the date we buried Sheyenne, November 5th 1975. I continued in life because I also had a son, Christopher Shane, whom I loved and who needed me. He was just 1 ½ years old when Sheyenne died. There were countless days that I did not know if I could go on. Somehow though, you do. You continue to go through the motions of everyday living, even while in a daze. As the months and years pass, you never forget your baby but the pain doesn't continue to consume you totally on a daily basis.
My husband of 17 years now, Michael, has always been there for me when I needed him. (He adopted Shane when he was 15). We recently shared a "once in a lifetime" moment on September 11, 1999, when we disinterred and reinterred Sheyenne. This was the second most emotional day I have ever had to live through. Because I was not allowed to hold Sheyenne after she died, I have yearned to hold her just one more time through the years.
After the disinterment, her casket was taken into a room for us. I had buried her with the tiniest little gold cross you could ever seen. It is º inch tall. I have worn the same identical cross for 25 years. (I purchased two after her death). I wanted her to have a cross on when God welcomed her into His house. It took all the inner strength I had and more to open the casket after 25 years, but I felt like I had to, no matter what I would find. My family and friends were very concerned that I could not handle "it" and that the image would haunt me for the rest of my life. I didn't know if it would or not. How can you possible know that if you don't know what you're going to see? All I knew was I had to do this, no matter what the consequences might be.
It was AMAZING! She looked just as she did on that faithful day in November 1974. All her clothes, lining of the casket, lace: EVERYTHING had turned a bright gold. Not yellow from age, but GOLD. The brightest gold that my husband, the funeral director, or I had ever seen before. She stated that never in her 13 years of performing disinterments had she ever seen anything like this. Everything looked just as it did in 1974. Her hair, skin, clothes, etc. Her skin pigmentation has changed to a darker color but the little curl on the top of her head was even there, as was everything about her. I realize that the body is just a temple God provides for our souls. Moreover, you can not help but think it is your baby lying there, and not just a shell. I did not get to hold her in my arms as I had hoped. She was too delicate and I did not want to disturb anything. However, we did exchange crosses...I now have her cross that she had worn for 25 years and now she has Mommy's. I feel so very lucky to have been given a second chance in life to look at my daughter, although I could not hold her. I can now just reach up and touch the cross around my neck everyday. It seems to radiate a feeling of inner peace and I feel and incredible closeness to my daughter. Mere words along cannot describe it.
We had her moved to where Michael and I are going to be buried. She was originally in "Babyland" at Memphis Memorial Park in Memphis, TN. After 25 years of flowers and items being stolen off her grave, I could not take it anymore. We purchased the plots and it took me 3 years to decide that I was going to move her. I wrestled a lot with making this decision. She will now be with her Mommy for all of eternity.
Our son is now 26 and married. We have a beautiful daughter-in-law and the cutest little "aussie" grandson, Dakota, who fills my life with much laughter and many joys. My daughter-in-law, Angelina, reminds me of how Sheyenne would have been, had she lived. People comment about how much Angelina and I even look and act alike. They think she IS my daughter. I sometimes wonder if God brought her into our lives to help ease the pain from the loss of Sheyenne. I find it even a little ironic that her name is "Angel"ina.
I know that Sheyenne's little spirit and soul is up in heaven with God, and all of "our little angels" are together playing. I'm also aware, first hand, of how much we miss our little ones, but we must remember that they are truly in a better place and we will be with them again one day. You may not think you will survive this terrible tragedy, but you will...you MUST.
My thoughts and prayers are always with the families and every innocent child we lose so abruptly without any known cause. I recently created a memorial page dedicated to my daughter, Sheyenne, on the Internet at: www.angelfire.com/ms/legacymanor. Please take a moment out of your day and view her page.
