Someone is knocking. It is grief. It is a frightening call to answer. Some answer the door with great courage. Others postpone the inevitable. Grief is not an easy door to open. But that grief can be intensely complicated by the lack of societal support due to ignorance.
Some mistakenly believe that a parent's love is contingent on the age of the child. Others try to pro-rate grief, insinuating that the younger the child, the "less attached" we feel. Bereaved parents know that this as a myth. It is not less painful to lose a one year old than a ten year old: not less painful to lose a one year old that a one month old. A parent’s love simply doesn't work that way.
Families struggle to fit in the day to day routine they once knew. Soon enough, we discover that we have moved out of our familiar bodies. We were evicted by grief. As we struggle to acquaint ourselves with the person we have become, we learn to fit it by wearing "the mask." Taking care of yourself right now should be a priority. The journey you have embarked upon is long and treacherous. We will examine some ideas on how you can meet your grief, and the new person you are.
Opening the Door to the Stranger: Grief We must meet our grief. We must know him like a neighbor. The overwhelming grief is frightening, angering, frustrating, and relentless. But ultimately, this grief is our friend. Our grief knows that the life of our child is worth all of this pain. First, we must be selfish! Take care of yourself and your grief.
Sleep:
Give yourself plenty of time to rest. Grief drains your emotional battery and you will need to recharge more often.
Exercise:
Take walks or work out: jog, aerobics or a spring-cleaning week will do as well. Physical exertion is a great stress reliever and may afford you some time alone to gather your thoughts in the process.
Be Patient with Yourself and Your Family:
Grief plays funny tricks on the mind for months, years after the death of your child. You may be unpredictable and your emotions unstable. It is completely normal to experience this. Know that you may be more irritable than normal. Focusing on any task may be difficult.
Keep a Journal:
This is self-therapy for the grieving.
Cry, cry, cry:
Tears are very healing. You don't have to cry in front of others if it inhibits you. However, sometimes in the deepest of grief, it helps to cry with another person present. Not for the purpose of "saving" you, but merely as a witness to the depth of the pain.
“Sorrow which finds no vent in tears, may soon make other organs weep.”
Claim your feelings:
There will likely be a wide range of them, from anger to sorrow to hope. Feelings are not right or wrong: they just are. Have faith in yourself and trust your emotions. Value the grief work you are doing and observe what helps you the most.
Avoid Major Changes:
Wait until the first year has passed before any big decisions.
Don't expect to get over it:
When people say, "Go on with your life," you may respond, "I'm still here, aren't I?" You do live on, you will be happy again and you will survive. But you probably will never get over it. It is a gentle and gradual acceptance that happens over many years. You learn skills necessary to help you handle the pain. Don’t be afraid to get professional help from a grief therapist. One on one support can act as an enormously beneficial catalyst to healing grief.
Commemorate your child's life
