Holidays, birthdays and other special days associated with the deceased present a special challenge. The loss becomes painfully evident and the feelings associated with the occasion becomes dulled and gray. Knowing what to expect will allow you to create some options for yourself when these situations arise.
The Ambush – Deep pain and sadness, as if the death had just occurred, can surface at odd moments. Just when you think you’re coping fine, along comes the dreaded ambush! Up from “no where” the rage resurfaces, the disbelief, the flashback, the horror, the insane feeling, the whatever. Just when you told yourself, and your friends, “I’m finally beginning to feel better.” Ambushes are particularly evident around special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays or any time you are expected to participate in a celebration of some kind. If practical, stop what you’re doing and honor it. Have the feeling, weep the tears, beat the pillows, phone someone or everyone in your support group. Allow the pain to wash through you and deliberately allow it to have it’s full force.
Holidays – With the loss of a member of your immediate family, holidays and special occasions will be difficult. Holidays are often filled with traditions and memories of closeness. As we face these days without our loved one, the empty space looms large in our hearts. By creating new traditions and understanding the common difficulties faced during the holidays, they can be easier to cope with. Don’t try and hold on to the way things were done in the past or your previous traditions. Your family has changed. It’s okay to change the way you celebrate the holidays as well. Think of an new tradition. If you always celebrated Christmas at home, consider renting a cabin for a couple of days. If you always put your tree up early in the year, consider putting it up later. If a large dinner was always cooked, go out for dinner instead. Do things differently. The memories will be strong when the holidays come, altering routines is the best way to still find some joy.
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