On May 31, 2001 it will be the tenth anniversary of the death of our 18-month-old daughter, Megan Camille Rowley. At the time there was no M.I.S.S. Foundation (Mothers In Sympathy and Support) and I didn’t have anyone I knew well enough who had been in a similar situation to talk with. I had dozens of books about angels and life after death given to us and greatly appreciated, which I found some degree of momentary comfort in. I had church members and spiritual beliefs proclaiming she is special, she’s in a better place now. And even one lady who told me I was lucky she died, after all she had a 12 year old brain damaged daughter who needed constant care “thank God your not in my situation”. That was at her viewing three days after she died. Though she seemed to lack compassion and her timing was definitely off, it did cause me to reflect on how we all suffer different adversities. For some reason comparing her pain to mine didn’t offer a whole lot of comfort although that was my choice not to find comfort there.
On the way home from the hospital where Megan was pronounced dead, our four and seven year old daughters were arguing over who would get her room. It hurt. We all grieve and suffer in our own unique way especially children and after talking to a child psychologist I understand now how wide that gap can be and that - that is okay.
Four months later, the big looming question in my mind? How long will it take before I stop crying several times every single day? Incidentally, prior to that time I couldn’t remember shedding physical tears since I was about 11 years old after surgery on my knee. “Tough guys aren’t supposed to cry”. The answer? Well you’ll have to read on, I had to find out and experience it for myself. Those of you having experienced this will probably relate. Those of you with a recent tragedy…. Well all I can say is my heart aches for you. Hang in there, as you will see there is hope. Last but not least, those who are just trying to comfort someone else; there are entire books (and at least one wonderful organization, M.I.S.S.) devoted to this. In this author’s opinion, Love, Service, and Charity are the greatest of all gifts. Some people are more anxious to give their advice than their love. Be wary, unless their advice is to seek professional counseling and support.
One of the most difficult times for me, was about three weeks after the funeral when all the cards, letters, acts of service and the hugs became less frequent. Left to face the quiet reality alone as the rest of the world just keeps going without even a hesitation. Extra special were the people who continued the support. I had someone totally unexpected call me six months later on Megan’s birthday just to see how I was doing. A warm tear of joy rolled down my cheek.
How did she die? Think about this for a moment. Where is the one and only place you leave your infant unattended for an extended period of time? Their crib. Their safe haven. My wife and I considered ourselves good loving responsible parents. We took parenting classes at the local college, we child proofed our home and took the time to educate ourselves on infant and toddler safety. Megan hung from the finial (or corner post of her crib) while trying to climb out. We had planned on getting her a day bed that weekend. Her shirt caught on the post and as she lowered herself she strangled to death. Nightmares were a common occurrence. I could just see her dangling, crying out “da da, da da”, but I wasn’t there to save her. I’m 6’2” tall and weigh 190 pounds and thought I was in complete control of my emotions. A little girl taught me how to cry.
Megan was a daddy’s girl. She waited every night for me to get home from work and until she went to sleep, would spend the rest of her time by my side. She would give me her dolly, her most prized possession and then insist that I share her bottle with her. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and she knew if I was really drinking or just faking it, I had to drink. She had a little pink scooter, which we would ride around the block every evening. I think the neighbors thought it was humorous or that I was a little crazy but that’s what she wanted and I didn’t care what anyone else thought.
After ten years, I have come to realize that losing a child can affect ones life and for a longer period of time and in ways that I had never imagined. It’s tough on families; it’s tough on marriages. I feel blessed that both have survived. It has now been almost 22 years since I was married to my lovely bride, but there were rough times and a lot of hard work to get to where we are now. No one ever said losing a child is a walk in the park but from my own personal experience I can say it is survivable and even strengthened me in many ways. I have four other wonderful children, three girls older than Megan and an eight-year-old boy younger.
Oh yeah! When did I stop crying every single day? About four months for me and then it was holidays, birthdays, father’s day, etc. and just sometimes when I was feeling down for no reason in particular. “The painful loss is slowly replaced by the fond memories”. I still have my moments but time does heal the pain and the grieving process is different for everyone. When it seems overwhelming, just know that there are people who care and will be there day or night for you. It doesn’t always take away the pain but the support never hurts. Your pain today may be the source of someone else’s support in the future.
Thanks Meggie, I love you baby. My special angel helps me in ways I can’t express but I know she is there. Thank you Joanne Cacciatore for dedicating your life to the service of others, you are a great inspiration!
Roger Rowley is a member of the board of “The Danny Foundation” Nationally and Chairs the foundation in Arizona (a non profit foundation promoting Crib and child safety). To learn more about crib safety or for a free brochure contact The Danny Foundation at www.dannyfoundation.org or 800 83-Danny. More accidental deaths occur each year in cribs than all other juvenile products combined. We are always looking for help. A quarterly newsletter gives up-dates on child product recalls, safety alerts, tips, etc. You can contact Roger directly at cribsafe@rowleymfg.com or by phone at 800 992-4060 or 602 980-2300.
