One of the things that struck me when reading Dr. Sukie Miller's book "Finding Hope After A Child Dies" was the sense that our American English language has no words to even describe what it is like to be a parent whose child has died. Think about it. If your parents are dead, you are an orphan. If your spouse dies, you are a widow or widower. But where is the word for a parent whose child has died?
While Miller points out that other cultures have language to handle this loss of children, it is not so easy to translate those languages into our daily lives. So my thought was this: I'll make my own darn language. With that in mind, I offer you the first installment (I hope of many) of my dictionary for the loss of a child. Maybe I'll be seriously considered as a lexicographer someday after all.
You-go-along-and-then-BAM adj. 1. what it feels like to be minding your own business at a coffee shop, enjoying a soy chai, and then suddenly two families sit at the tables surrounding you and put their adorable babies in their carriers up on the tables facing you. 2. what it feels like every year at holiday dinners when your siblings show up with cousins who are the same age your child would have been if he or she were still alive. 3. what it feels like to have your mother-in-law look you in the face at the one year anniversary of your child's birth/death date and tell you that you should "get over it." -BAMinate v.
Cobweb Phenomenon n. 1. comparing your life to a room full of pretty things and happy times, but realizing there are cobwebs in the ceiling corners that never go away. 2. having a perfectly decent life, good job, other children you love, a solid partnership, and still feeling empty because one of your children is dead. 3. going to a party where people are lively and happy and laughing and someone asks how you are, but you know you can't really say how you are. -cobwebbed v. -cobwebified adj.
Space Between The Moments n. 1. those quiet seconds when you stare off wondering what life would have been like. 2. time slows down and between each second it seems there is an eternity of time. 3. moments that catch you off guard when you were otherwise going along with everyday stuff. -momentified adj. -momented v.
Unsuicidal adj. 1. the feeling of wanting to die so you can be with your child but not actually wanting to take action to commit suicide. 2. the feeling you have when the doctor says "are you having suicidal thoughts?" and you know if you tell him you just want to be with your child, he'll commit you for being suicidal even though that really isn't the point. 3. the way you feel when someone tells you your child is "in a better place now" and you're thinking "well it sucks here so I wish I was with my child." 4. the feeling of being undead. -unsuicide n.
The Beast n. 1. grief personified 2. the monkey on your back everyone seems you think you should "get over" when you know that the loss with be with you for as long as you live. –beasted adj.
The Creeper n. 1. grief anger personified. 2. the anger that resides just under the surface of your skin that may break out at the slightest bump from another human being. -creeped adj.
BaDahBoom v. 1. the verb Sonny used in Godfather Pt. 1 when teasing Michael. 2. the bursting out of The Creeper (see above) that you unleashed on some poor, unsuspecting human being. 3. the smashing of dishes for no "apparent" reason.
taurine excrement, n. 1. cliches used in a futile attempt to comfort grieving parents. e.g. "God needed an angel to tend his garden."
grobs, n. 1. grief snobs 2. others who arrogantly believe that their grief is worse than anyone else's and aren't afraid to say it. -grobbish, adj.
grobville, n. 1. the metaphorical place where grobs sequester themselves into a little country clubish group building walls where there should be none.
the contingency theory, n. 1. a false myth perpetrated by society that the depth of a parent's love or grief can be measured by the child's age -contingency theorist, n.
pop-a-fuse v. 1. what happens inside your head when you visit your child's grave and discover someone has removed or stolen your decorations 2. the ability to make your head spin 360 degrees. pop-a-fuser, n.
Immediate Idiot Syndrome n. 1. what happens to a perfectly nice doctor, teacher, neighbor, friend or other citizen when they hear that your child has died ant. see Immediate Empathy Syndrome
Immediate Empathy Syndrome n. 1. the strange and unexplainable transformation from a complete stranger or person not liked by many to a compassionate and kind comforter upon the news of a child's death.
gremiss adj. 1. cold and indifferent attitude toward the grieving family 2. the grossly remiss behavior by a trained medical professional toward the surviving family members.
We hope you had fun learned the new vernacular of grief. Try them out today! Or if you have new ones, let us know! Maybe we’ll even write a book!
